F4TH0M

I never did have a proper sendoff to this site despite it being an integral part of my life for eight whole years, but for the sake of finally giving myself some closure, I suppose its better late than never.

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I joined dA in 2009 as a 13 year old struggling to make the transition from elementary to middle school. Old friends who I had spent years talking with about nerdy things stopped talking to me entirely. They were now too mature for that kiddy stuff, and I couldn't imagine parting ways with all of my favorite cartoons, movies, and video games just to fit in. Coupled with an abusive train-wreck of a home life, I needed an escape, ANY kind of outlet to make friends and form positive relationships. I had only recently decided that I wanted to make cartoons for a living, and though I can no longer remember the exact details of how I found it, I eventually joined dA.

My first account (which I very regrettably deactivated years back) was pretty short-lived, but it helped me to establish some of my earliest passions that I still hold to this day. This account (my second, created in 2010), is where I truly began to meet some people and make some friends, though I was ALWAYS horribly insecure about how often I failed at befriending artists whose work I enjoyed. I know now that I had some deep-seeded rejection and abandonment issues due to my upbringing, and I'll be perfectly transparent in acknowledging that it led me to develop some clingy and toxic behavior patterns over the years.

I stayed a nerdy loser with very few IRL friends all the way through graduation, which kept me hooked to dA like my life depended on it. I was seeking out constant interaction with my friends so that I could maintain some kind of human interaction, as I wasn't receiving much IRL. Eventually, my insecurities led me to abandoning this account for my third, F4TH0MABLE, in 2015. I wanted a fresh start, free from all my past failures, where I could take my art more seriously, and thus be taken more seriously and stand a better chance at getting noticed by bigger artists. This backfired, with my third account only lasting about a year before I jumped over to Twitter in 2016 for yet another fresh start.

After a few years of struggling on Twitter, I actually briefly returned to dA on my 4th and most short-lived account in 2019. I wanna say I posted two things, got annoyed by some weirdo constantly sending me DMs, and then bailed once again. I can't claim to have found any kind of success outside of dA, this account remains the most popular I ever had. But, I haven't given up trying to make a name for myself through my art.

In some respects, I'm thankful to have had dA when I did because even today, I truly feel that I needed it. Every parental figure in my life up to that point had failed me and I desperately needed the outlet that the site provided. Concurrently, my dA obsession definitely dragged me into the "chronically online" depths, making me far more comfortable trying to talk to and befriend people online than I am IRL, which is something I still fight hard to combat in my late-20s. It also helped to develop my bad habit of abandoning ship and running away when times are tough, which is something that has stunted my artistic growth and has definitely cost me several friendships. This, paired with my early run-ins with creepy diaperf*rs as well as discovering that some people I was friends with for years turned out to be disgusting creeps, makes me glad I left dA when I did.

Despite all the negatives, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the sense of community I felt on this site. No other site I've encountered has given me such a strong feeling of belonging, or like I am truly among my peers. It just sucks that the most artist-friendly site online has become so packed with non-artist weirdos looking for handouts. I constantly hope to find somewhere half as artist-friendly and community based as dA used to be.

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I wanna wrap this up by directly addressing a few people that I feel deserve it. If you aren't mentioned, it's either been too long for me to remember, or I just outright don't care to address you.

JB-Pawstep, you have always been a dear and supportive friend to me and I consider myself so lucky to somehow still have you in my life after all this time. There's nothing I can say that I don't already tell you constantly. Thank you for everything.

Spectrumelf, you were THE friend that I needed, when I needed you. Your encouragement filled me with all the goals and dreams I still maintain to this day. I was and will always be so proud of you for going out there and living the dream. I only wish my cowardly behavior and insecurities hadn't self-sabotaged me into never having the chance to make it there with you. You suck-seed'd, and that fact alone will always make me so happy to have been even just a small part of the ride.

@MentallyIncorrect, it was probably obvious, but I had a huge crush on you for the longest time. You were always such a joy to talk to and I loved your work. While I have no way of knowing what became of you or what led to you vanishing off the internet, I have always hoped that life has been kind to you through all these years since we lost contact.

MissDoppelganger, I'm so glad we got to touch bases again, even if it was only briefly, and I'm SO happy to have seen how much your art has grown and flourished. I never understood why or how someone as awesome as you gave me the time of day like you did, but it was always SO appreciated. I hope to see you continue to thrive, you'll always have a cheerleader in me!